loss

I miss my dad today. I've been going through boxes of my parents' stuff, and reading an article on a camp for kids who lost their parents on 9/11.

My dad and I were close. He was the sane one. Flawed, but infinitely better than my mom. She was supposed to die, she was thisclose to tripping off this mortal coil. Somehow she clawed her way back, and in the interim of hospitals after hospital Dad and I became close.

We ate at the Chinese restaurant near Bellevue, he'd get the cashew chicken while I preferred the crispy orange. Even though I was too old for it, I'd sit on his lap and he'd tell me about his time in the war. Every story being one of high jinks, not tragedy. He gently told me that I needed to work harder in school, or else I'd lose my scholarship. He woke us up everyone morning with a hot breakfast, giving me a couple dollars for a snack after school. Money I always spent on my walk to the bus.

There's something unfixable when you crash into mortality at an age too early. When you're family dies in a heart attack, and you're left to call the relatives. When you're 25 and just want to be able to ask your daddy what to do... but he's not there.