tactical error

I don't know how I managed to be in charge of clean up but there I was. Stewing with resentment as I stared down at an untended spill. I wonder whether it would be rude to put up a sign "Your mom doesn't live here, clean up after yourself" when Frank came in to keep me company. He was looking good, having come over to the hipster side with a short haircut, jeans, black hoodie, and black and brown bowling style shoes.

I can't gush to him about how good he looks, about how much the short hair ups his cuteness. I don't want him to mistake my flattery for flirting, so I give nothing more than lukewarm praise over the makeover. Maybe it was dissapointment in my reaction that caused his vindictive teasing.

"I saw Sam here, oooh he's tall and sexy ooh" he mocks, dodging in and out of my personal space like a boxer, rolling on the balls of his feet as he busied his hands drying a dish.

Sam is tall, sexy, and all the things that Frank whines at me. I can't tell you why he wants to point these things out to me, why he is pulling my ponytail with his taunts. I've never dated Sam, or fucked him, or done anything more than flirt. I used to flirt with Frank, till he asked me on a date. Then asked again. After a few more tries he asked why. Foolishly I answered that he wasn't as tall as the men I found attractive. (Cue me shaking my head at dumb self.) Frank has never let go of the fact that I won't give him a chance romantically. His passive aggressive response to this makes a future friendship less and less likely.

His face warps from boyish to demonic as he continues to tease.

"You like him huh? I can tell. Yeah you do, yeah you do, don't deny it"

I don't respond, hoping he will run out of steam, knowing any protest will keep him going. I frown and furrow my brow at him, wishing he would just stop it. Only when I think Sam will hear him do I try and shut him up.

"You really want me to stop? Is it really bothering you?"
A glimmer of hope lights in me,
"Yes, please stop it"
his face splits into an ugly, gleeful grin
"No way, just kidding. You totally like him, you're like so into him"

I don't spare him a glance as I walk out the door. Later Sam gives me his number and a smile. I don't bother saying goodbye to Frank as I leave.

number 138

tears fall
like petals
off a dead flower

just one more mess
to clean
up

quote of the day

One student to another "My mommy has a taser!"

Resolution

New Year's brings an end to my holiday season. Traditionally it's the last night of gluttony before the penance of resolution. Well, I think New Year's is a dumb holiday. Too much expectation met with inevitable disappointment. What do you get for the whole of it? A mascara smeared pillow case and a wretched hangover. The spit of a stranger on your mouth because you were too scared to be alone. Bills will still exist, infidelities will be remembered, and grudges will hold strong on January 1st. You do not get a fresh start on the midnight of New Year's eve anymore than you do on any other midnight.

Beginning each year we gorge on hope. New Year's day we voice our plan to make our shoulds into wills. Well I don't believe in resolutions. They are candles with only so much wax to burn, doomed to sputter out. They are a looking glass version of self flagellation. (You will be better because you were not good enough. You will be kinder because you were cruel. And on, and on.) If you have changes you want to make, then desire alone should be enough to spur you to action. Why wait for champagne, ticker tape, and a dropping ball to make your life anew. Any day above ground is a day you can change.

America is the land of the makeover, do over, and try again. We have scores of TV shows devoted to our favorite past time-- improvement. Whether it's your house, your ass, or your face. We can improve upon it, and it's downright lazy of you not to. This constant striving breeds discontent. We can never be happy with what we have. Using scalpels, hammers, and money we beat the now into a shinier happier future. We do not stop for gratitude. We barrel ahead, thinking not of where we are but where we'll be.

This year I hope to buck the trend. Not to be something that I'm not. But rather to be. In the moment, where I am, as I am. To inhabit the present in mind, body, and spirit. And not bemoan that it is not something else. To try to practice presence and gratitude, and put down whatever failure I would use to hurt myself. Sound like a resolution? Probably, but it's one I've been making everyday for years. Each new day of this new year is what each day was the year before: one more shiny, battered, chance.

shoes

If it's wrong for me to want these boots, I don't wanna be right. Black leather thigh-high boots, Chanel, $2,920; www.chanel.com or at select Chanel boutiques, 800-550-0005.

You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry

She sings as she packs her backpack. Right before she gets to the line "He sees you when you're sleeping" she looks up at me with saucer eyes

"Oh my God, Santa is a stalker!"

required reading

My job has many perks, one is that I get paid to read. Doing so I've found dozens of childrens' books that make me think "Everyone should read this!!" Next time you are hanging out in a bookstore you should mozy on over to the kids section, grab a few of the following, hunker down for a delightful stretch of picture book pleasure.

The Dot, Peter H. Reynolds
Ish, Peter H. Reynolds
Just like Heaven, Patrick McDonnell
The Gift of Nothing, Patrick McDonnell
Lost and Found, Oliver Jeffers
Today I will fly!, Mo Willems
My Friend is Sad, Mo Willems
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, Judith Viorst

This list will be ongoing, feel free to contact me with your suggestions.